Doesn’t it seem like some things are doomed from the start?
The Donner Party? The SS Minnow? Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Prestley?
You know what I mean. Add to that list our latest trip to McDonald’s.
FIRST, Mama Syd, Aunt Cristie and I met Jac and the kiddos there. We had been away all morning and I needed to nurse Ellie BADLY. Bless my husband, he had brought the diaper bag but wouldn’t you know it? I had not put the nursing cover back in it. And, being California and balmy and all, Ellie had no blanket. Jac was resourceful and found a stray pillow in the back of the van and stripped it of it’s case so that I might have a bit of a cover-up. But imagine, will you, a thrashing baby sandwiched in a fast food booth with a white pillow case as protection. Riiiight.
THEN, as I was attempting to modestly nurse discreetly in a play-place room packed with people, I hear a panicked, shrill scream from a desperate Tess. “Mama!!! MAAMAA!!!!” she wailed. I knew from the tone of her voice exactly what had happened and I wanted to yell back to her, “Don’t say it! DON’T SAY IT! I know already!” but out it came, yelled through the mazes of tubes and ladders. “I went potty in my pants!” This would have been enough, surely it would have. However, Max is so helpful, he wanted to make sure I knew what had happened. He yelled as loud as he could as he crshed through and then burst out of the play structure, “MOM! TESS HAD AN ACCIDENT!! SHE PEED HER PANTS!!!!” Meanwhile, all 57 sets of eyes lock onto me and my thrashing-baby-under-the-pillowcase and then travel to Tess as she emerged howling and dripping from the structure. She clutched her crotched and waddled over to me.
NOW, this would not have been so tragic except for the fact that all of the adults who had accompanied us into the restaurant were NOT WITH ME. Mortified and frustrated, I hissed to Max to take Tess to the ladies room to find Mama Syd and then tell dad to tell someone that we needed a clean-up on aisle six. He left and returned 2 seconds later without Tess. As he disappeared into the maze of plastic, I asked if he had followed my directions. “No!” Short of a yelled conversation, I was once more stuck, unsure about what had happened.
FINALLY, Mama Syd and Tess return and request a diaper. Even though it will be physically impossible for Tess to fit into her sister’s Huggies, she must have something because the only thing we have for her to put on is a skirt that we purchased earlier in the day. They returned to the bathroom to cover things up.
NEXT, it is time to eat and we put Ellie in a high chair. She acts famished even though I jsut wrestled her under a pillow case, trying to get her to eat. She grabs at everyones wrappers and nuggets and begins to employ her ear-piercing shriek to get what she desires. In searching for the nursing cover and diapers I have discovered that the Cheerios that WERE in the diaper bag were not returned either. However, there are loose ones rolling about on the bottom of the bag along with candy wrappers and legos. I fished out all I could find, seperating them from the fuzzies and dirt.
THEN, after we had run out of ‘o’s and she got ansty, Aunt Cristie took her. “Ooh. She’s ripe.” “She can’t be. I have no wipes.” I admitted. Jac took a turn with her. “Yeah. She’s got a load of somethin’.” We all declared ourselves excused from duty and Jac left, diaper in hand to change her with what he could find. He quickly returned because the men’s room had no changing table. Mama Syd swiped a few napkins and announced she would take care of it. Not long after she left, Jac got a phone call telling him to send me in with another diaper. it was the last one. In the restroom I found ellie and mama Syd with poo everywhere and the 4 napkins as the only mode of clean-up. but it was hazmat grade waste and nothing short of a bath was going to help.
SO, we put on the last diaper, buttoned up her outfit and left, right then and there.
Doomed, I say. Doomed.
there is no way this is all true, are you sure you’re not colliding a bunch of disasters together… just ridiculous!
Dude, I couldn’t make this up if I tried! Sadly and awesomely it is all true. And I would agree, ridiculous.
ALL TRUE! And, to make it all the more rediculous, in your mind, imagine it with all of your senses!